Healing our Heart Wounds

As we glide through the Venus Retrograde, we may notice a distinct pattern of–our patterns. All those little (or big) things in our love lives we thought we had healed, worked through, or at the very least shoved down, seem to be rising with a passion right now. There are many reasons for that, not least of which…because they are supposed to!

Along with Venus Retrograde the collective North Node (our North Star) and Chiron (the symbol of the wounded healer) are both active in Aries right now. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, a born leader with a heavy focus on self, represented by the phrase “I am.” We discussed last week how important it is to be a “me” in a relationship before we can be an effective “we” and that theme continues this week. Often what holds us back in relationships is a prior wounding, a way we view ourselves that affects our relationship with others. Here is where Attachment Theory, Internal Family Systems, and Jung/Freudian philosophies come into play.

When something happens to us that causes us pain, especially when we are young, we tend to blame ourselves, lock that pain up, and try to move on with our lives. Unfortunately, that is not how humans work, our emotions are energy (literally e-motion, energy in motion) and energy likes to move. So, all of that bottled-up heartache usually starts leaking out in other ways. We can become needy, clingy, or codependent in our relationships or we can go the other way and become avoidant, indifferent maybe even emotionally unavailable. The way our hurt hearts act out can vary greatly but it all comes down to one basic premise, a wound.

Somewhere along the way, we got out hearts broken and somewhere along the way, we held onto that pain. We tried to conceptualize or process it the best way we could, but we usually miss the mark, taking on all the blame ourselves when it isn’t our fault, or placing it all firmly on someone else without taking our own accountability.  In reality, there are things both people can learn from almost any given situation and the accountability/blame balancing act is a lifelong process.  Yet our sense of blame, shame, resentment, etc. often creates a heart-shaped wound in us, causing us to revisit that space, whenever our current partner does something that reminds us of it. These wounds can affect our perception of a partner or relationship and can hold us back from the happy, healthy relationships we desire.

So, this week, we are going to dive deep to figure out what could be driving some of our relationship bad behavior and what wounds we might have picked up along the way. I know it gets boring working on our internal concepts of love and worth, but I promise, if we do this now, we can enjoy deeper, more meaningful, and wound-free connections on the other side of the retrograde.

Astrological To-Do List:

• Notice what is coming up in your love life this week.
• Is it unique to this relationship, or has it come up in your love life before?
• What are the specific emotions the pattern or situation makes you feel?
• Think back on your life or childhood, when are other times you have felt those or similar emotions.
• When is the first time you felt that emotion?
• If you are single, think back on previous relationships for examples.
• Think about your “perfect” relationship- what does it look like, feel like, sound like, etc.?
• Think of who you are in your perfect relationship- what do you do, say, feel, believe, participate in, etc.?
• What is holding you back from being that person in your current relationship?
• If you are single, what do you feel is holding you back from finding that type of relationship?

Pro Tip: 

So often our big emotions and reactions to fairly small situations, hold ties to long-buried feelings and events. Basically, our partner is just tapping on an already existent wound, causing us to become very reactive and triggered. That’s ok, it happens to all of us, and it really is a gift because big emotions point us to big wounds which point us to big opportunities!

The best way to trace a wound back to its source is through emotion. Tap into the emotion you are currently feeling. Really dive into the energetics of it, instead of “sad” go deeper. Is it “heartbroken” “humiliated” “grief-stricken” etc.? If you were trying to describe it exactly to someone, what words would you use? (It’s usually the first ones that come to mind when I ask you to dig deeper.)

When you have the emotion pegged down, begin to trace it back to its source. When were other times you felt that way, and if you can, go back to the first time you felt that way.

If it doesn’t automatically come to mind, that is ok, it is probably a very protected memory. So find a comfortable space and carve out some quiet time to do a little subconscious deep dive. Listen to some soothing music, light a candle, take some cleansing breaths, and let the memory present itself slowly.

Once you’ve found the memory you can work on healing it. You can give it attention, love, and healing and give that former version of yourself the same. This is where Inner Child and Shadow work can be especially helpful in our love lives, and while we won’t get into it here, I always recommend my clients look into it. So much of our internal relationship world is developed during our youth through friends, family, teachers, school, and society, that it can take some unraveling to get to the source of our wounds. Yet the time and investment in ourselves—are always worth it!

Horoscopes: 

Aries: You are holding a lot of the collective energy right now and you are probably feeling it. Chiron is nothing to play with as it holds our deepest secrets, darkest wounds, and our most vulnerable hopes and dreams. Yet the darkest experiences often hold the most light. They give us the opportunity to create order from chaos, compassion from pain, and sparks from the dark. So don’t let this opportunity pass you by!

Fire is one of the most transformative forces on Earth, so use all that fire and energy to transform all the negative experiences you might be feeling into positive outcomes. You can do it!

Taurus: You are not usually one to go against the grain, but with Uranus sitting firmly in your sign, you may be feeling a little more rebellious than usual. Where in your love life have you been following the status quo when you should have been breaking the mold? Creating a relationship on your terms is something that may feel overwhelming or maybe even impossible, but Uranus is encouraging you to take the lead in your own love life and start making the rules of your relationship.

Gemini: What are your deepest desires? Your most sought-after hopes and dreams? I’m willing to bet on more than a few occasions of your life you have been told those things were impossible. Gemini moves at the speed of light and not everyone can keep up the chase. What may feel overwhelming or impossible to some, feels like a few short steps for you. That’s ok, not everyone has to hold your vision, you just want to make sure you surround yourself with people who do. Especially in your intimate relationships.

Cancer: Emotions are kind of your thing. Diving into the watery depths of the subconscious? No big deal. Yet just make sure you don’t end up stuck there. The point of tracing back emotions is to move forward, not stay stuck in the past. You don’t need to revisit, relive or re-tell every single thing every single ex did, said, or made you feel. You can get the gist, work to heal the wound, then move on to your infinitely more interesting future life and loves.

Leo: Keeper of the love lives, and the sun, you are feeling a lot of fiery passion right now. You are shining your light on everyone and everything that has been hiding in the dark. You are a born leader, and you want to teach everyone how to be the same. Yet remember, unsolicited advice is not always appreciated, and shining a bright light on other people’s most sensitive qualities does not always end well. So make sure to keep the lion’s share of the spotlight on yourself, your talents, and your attributes, and let others follow your example.

Virgo: Welcome home Mercury! Mercury rules Virgo and it feels right at home in that sign. Mercury is the planet of communication and Virgo’s love precision in their language. One of their greatest fears and wounds often centers around being misunderstood.

Many Virgo’s and Virgo North Nodes were spiritual, philosophical, or religious leaders in past lives who were punished for being misunderstood. Think of all the spiritual leaders who were just ahead of their time and suffered the consequences of that. That is why a lot of people come in as Virgo’s to work on being precise in their language and communication. Making sure they and their work are never misunderstood again.

That being said, it can cause them to strip all emotional language or concepts right out of their speech, leaving their partner speech-less from the bluntness or accusatory nature of the conversation. So this week use your natural gift of gab but be sure to soften some of the blow with some emotion language. “I feel this–when you do that–” as opposed to “you are this–because you do that–” Get the idea?

Libra: If the North Node is in Aries, guess where that leaves the South Node…with you! A South Node in Libra usually indicates a lot of collective thinking. What is best for the community, company, group, tribe, etc. as opposed to independent-based thinking. While some concept of community well-being is, of course, important, it can also cause people to stay stuck, never stepping out of line or learning how to be the leader of their own lives.

That is what we are working on stepping out of right now, especially in partnerships. Always doing what is good for the relationship or what brings peace or benefit to the other person can cause us to lose ourselves completely. So now is the time to work towards achieving that balance.

Scorpio: You love the subconscious, and you are especially adept at making the Shadow your friend. The darkness doesn’t bother you one bit, in fact, it’s generally what you prefer. So now is really your time to shine. In fact, your catchphrase is “I transform.” You are an emotional alchemical master my friend. So, use all the dark, brooding intensity to spin your past hurts into future gold.

Sagittarius: The wanderlust is strong within you young one. Usually adding fuel to a Sag fire means travel is afoot. So where do you want to go? You can choose a solely inner excursion or utilize travel to help you explore new frontiers of your psyche (a natural talent of yours.) Either way, you are sure to enjoy the journey.

Capricorn: The moon and Pluto are both residing in your sign. Which means you are probably deeply uncomfortable. Feelings? Ick. Subconscious? Gross. Sitting still? I don’t think so. But it’s true. This week it’s time to put down the to-do lists and begin to feel your feelings. Capricorn is the sign of the sea goat in traditional astrology. What is that? A goat with a mermaid tale. Meaning it has a connection between Earth and the sea.

So, while it can act like the earthiest of all the earth signs, it also has a strong tie to water, if it learns to access it. Water represents emotions and the subconscious, so while Capricorn may not always like it, it can play well in the emotional realm if it wants to. So this week, try wanting to. Try feeling your feelings instead of sweeping them into your dustpan. Have a conversation instead of avoiding it with a to-do list.

In fact, that’s an order! This week allow for the flow of the universe to be your list maker. Whatever you are intuitively guided to do—do it! Sit still until you hear the next directive from the universe and if nothing comes in loud and clear, take that as a sign to listen to your own feelings and tune into your own emotions for a while. Trust me, it won’t kill you, even if it feels like it.

Aquarius: Breathe a sigh of relief. That thing you’ve been avoiding is slowly passing through. You are learning to confront one of the scariest things for your sign, your own emotions. Logic dominates the Aquarius mindset, which is cute and all but can be hard to handle in relationships. Avoidance is usually your go-to response but this week you have been asked to put all those things on the forefront. And you’ve done amazingly well. Maybe not at first, but I feel like you are now getting the hang of it. Keep up the good work, one wave of emotion and conversation at a time!

Pisces: Saturn and Neptune and Retrogrades…Oh my! It’s a lot but definitely not more than you can handle. You are so adept at navigating the ethereal that this might even feel like a fun challenge to you. In the same way that some might look at Everest and say “no way” while others consider it an adventure, you look at deep internal work as something fun to do. Maybe not as much as Scorpio but you certainly see the benefit in connecting your emotions to manifestation work, especially in the relationship realm. So, allow that to be the focus of your week. Ride the big waves coming your way in style!

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